Hope

HOPE is the thing with feathers

That perches in the soul,

And sings the tune without the words,

And never stops at all,

And sweetest in the gale is heard;

And sore must be the storm

That could abash the little bird

That kept so many warm.

I ’ve heard it in the chillest land,

And on the strangest sea;

Yet, never, in extremity,

It asked a crumb of me. 

- Emily Dickinson

 

I have tried several times to write a blog in the last three months, but I have not found a way to say the stuff that needs to come out, and all the other stuff seemed too boring to post.  I would really love for this blog to be what I had originally intended it to be: a place where I can write and therefore express some emotion, gather my thoughts, etc.  Unfortunately my emotions and thoughts lately (as in the last several months) have been rather complex and when I think about the energy it would take to try to express myself in a blogpost, I just eat chocolate and watch mindless television instead.  It's not that things have been uniquely terrible in my life, or that I am depressed by any means, I have just been weary.  As I have discussed previously on this blog, I have a demanding job, and that accounts for most of my weariness, both physically and emotionally.  Outside of work, there have been a couple other things to make me emotionally weary, but so many other great things have gone on in the last several months since I previously posted.  

I long to be excitable again.  I long to feel wonder again.  I long to feel creative again.  I long to feel anything but rushed, exhausted, stressed, or sad for long periods of time.  I look at people who have such a positive outlook and excitability to them almost with envy.  How do you people get rid of your heavy burdens?

Ah, but don't I know the answer to that question already?

This is something that my Jesus and I are working through at the moment.  He has showered me with so many blessings: a loving relationship with my dear beloved husband, the most supportive family I could ask for, a great church where I am growing, friends who care and make me smile, enough money to not wonder where the next meal will come from (even if it is popcorn for dinner).... and even in the last 3 months, changes that have been so helpful.  For example, Mr. Man does not work for Black Bear Diner anymore.  He is now working in mobile windshield chip repair, and it is proving a much better choice for the time being.  He also graduated culinary school a couple weeks ago, so we get to see each other again and there is no more homework!  But yet, the overall emotion that shines through every day has been weariness.

I get stuck in the grounded reality of frustration, pain, and earthly suffering.  I am relying on my Jesus to get me through but there is a difference between telling Him about my burdens and asking for His help and completely GIVING Him my burdens.  To be honest and blunt, I don't know how to do that yet.  I have lived the last several years frustrated at the part of the Christian culture that ignores that real pain and real frustration exist.  They try to band-aid it, and expect that one verse will make all the pain go away.  Those of you who have experienced real pain know that it's a healing process.  So in the midst of that healing process, I have somehow held onto my pain too much.

Now, to be clear, I do not think my life is miserable and I do not think my pain is unique or more than anyone else's.  This is something that comes straight from my heart, and I've decided to take the plunge and put it out for public eye, so I would like you as a reader to respect that I am not trying to discuss these issues, just vent.  :)

So I have been learning several things through this, like what real servitude and selflessness means to me as a Christian worker, wife, friend, and family member.  About what true joy looks like.  I am seeking the Lord, His Word, and fellowship with Him to learn how to lay my burdens down.  I have learned how to deal with stress (and have more learning to do).  I have learned even more how to rely on the Lord's provision and plan.

So, really, this post is about hope, about which Emily Dickinson wrote so beautifully.  It's a hope that isn't coming naturally to me at the moment, but I know it is there.  This post is about positive movement, no matter how small the baby steps are.  I hope that I am able to keep up with posting a little bit more, even if it's just pictures of the stuff we've been super busy with (like... hot air ballooning in Napa, for instance).  We will see.

Romans 5:3-5 - "More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us."