Cares

I really shouldn't be writing this right now because I have so much to do, but the need to express myself has peaked, thus the shortness of this post.

Once you lose "carefree" does it ever come back?  It is a definite statement that I have lost it.  The "cares" have completely outweighed me.  And if you've read this blog for a while, you know that has been true for a long time. Why does responsibility have to feel so heavy? 

But then I wonder, am I supposed to have a carefree existence?  Jesus wasn't carefree.  Although He had an unfathomably bigger job on Earth than I do.

Maybe I should stop wishing I could be carefree, and start prioritizing my "cares" and make sure they are in the right place.  Maybe my caring is a gift.

But then I feel like I am doing that, but I have too many "cares" to fit in my schedule or in my emotional capacity.  Where is the line between caring and caring too much that I am stretched too thin?

I suppose it would do to explain what I mean by "cares."  Let's make lists, I love lists.
These are just some examples, mind you.

Superficial cares:
- I want to eat whatever I want, but I want to lose weight.
- I want time to myself to read a book, paint my nails, bake, etc. (the list goes on and on)
- I don't want to do chores
- I want to pursue more music
- I will never have enough money to travel like I want to

Not-as-superficial cares in no particular order:
- my husband
- each of my family members, individually and collectively
- my husband's family, who is really my family in my heart
- my grandparents
- fundraising a cure for my sister's disorder
- my voice students
- finances, future, debt (isn't that one a huge bundle)
- my job (that needs its own list)
- each of my precious friends - there are so many and there are like 10 that I can count off the top of my head that I want to pour my life into, talk to every day, be there for every second, and soooo many more that I would love to grow into that kind of relationship
- spending time with my niece and nephew before they grow up too quickly
- those in need in other countries!  the starving children, the homeless, the sex-trafficked children, the women who need me to buy their product to support their new livelihood, the Haitians... that's another list too
- those in need in MY country!
- those in need in my city... in my church...
- friends going on mission trips that I want to support...

I had better stop because I could keep going. 

How do I keep myself from being ripped apart by these cares?  There is no answer but Jesus, and still even though I know that in my heart, I have no idea how.   How do I know where that line is?  Am I supposed to plunge headlong into my cares and give them to Jesus and expect to be emotionally stable?  I am only one little girl, I cannot accomplish all that I can imagine.


"Cast your burden on the LORD, and he will sustain you; he will never permit the righteous to be moved." - Psalm 55:22.  

"When the cares of my heart are many, your consolations cheer my soul." - Psalm 94:19

My cares or burdens are absolutely minuscule to what God feels for His people.  He understands what I feel.  I have to start there.

Hope

HOPE is the thing with feathers

That perches in the soul,

And sings the tune without the words,

And never stops at all,

And sweetest in the gale is heard;

And sore must be the storm

That could abash the little bird

That kept so many warm.

I ’ve heard it in the chillest land,

And on the strangest sea;

Yet, never, in extremity,

It asked a crumb of me. 

- Emily Dickinson

 

I have tried several times to write a blog in the last three months, but I have not found a way to say the stuff that needs to come out, and all the other stuff seemed too boring to post.  I would really love for this blog to be what I had originally intended it to be: a place where I can write and therefore express some emotion, gather my thoughts, etc.  Unfortunately my emotions and thoughts lately (as in the last several months) have been rather complex and when I think about the energy it would take to try to express myself in a blogpost, I just eat chocolate and watch mindless television instead.  It's not that things have been uniquely terrible in my life, or that I am depressed by any means, I have just been weary.  As I have discussed previously on this blog, I have a demanding job, and that accounts for most of my weariness, both physically and emotionally.  Outside of work, there have been a couple other things to make me emotionally weary, but so many other great things have gone on in the last several months since I previously posted.  

I long to be excitable again.  I long to feel wonder again.  I long to feel creative again.  I long to feel anything but rushed, exhausted, stressed, or sad for long periods of time.  I look at people who have such a positive outlook and excitability to them almost with envy.  How do you people get rid of your heavy burdens?

Ah, but don't I know the answer to that question already?

This is something that my Jesus and I are working through at the moment.  He has showered me with so many blessings: a loving relationship with my dear beloved husband, the most supportive family I could ask for, a great church where I am growing, friends who care and make me smile, enough money to not wonder where the next meal will come from (even if it is popcorn for dinner).... and even in the last 3 months, changes that have been so helpful.  For example, Mr. Man does not work for Black Bear Diner anymore.  He is now working in mobile windshield chip repair, and it is proving a much better choice for the time being.  He also graduated culinary school a couple weeks ago, so we get to see each other again and there is no more homework!  But yet, the overall emotion that shines through every day has been weariness.

I get stuck in the grounded reality of frustration, pain, and earthly suffering.  I am relying on my Jesus to get me through but there is a difference between telling Him about my burdens and asking for His help and completely GIVING Him my burdens.  To be honest and blunt, I don't know how to do that yet.  I have lived the last several years frustrated at the part of the Christian culture that ignores that real pain and real frustration exist.  They try to band-aid it, and expect that one verse will make all the pain go away.  Those of you who have experienced real pain know that it's a healing process.  So in the midst of that healing process, I have somehow held onto my pain too much.

Now, to be clear, I do not think my life is miserable and I do not think my pain is unique or more than anyone else's.  This is something that comes straight from my heart, and I've decided to take the plunge and put it out for public eye, so I would like you as a reader to respect that I am not trying to discuss these issues, just vent.  :)

So I have been learning several things through this, like what real servitude and selflessness means to me as a Christian worker, wife, friend, and family member.  About what true joy looks like.  I am seeking the Lord, His Word, and fellowship with Him to learn how to lay my burdens down.  I have learned how to deal with stress (and have more learning to do).  I have learned even more how to rely on the Lord's provision and plan.

So, really, this post is about hope, about which Emily Dickinson wrote so beautifully.  It's a hope that isn't coming naturally to me at the moment, but I know it is there.  This post is about positive movement, no matter how small the baby steps are.  I hope that I am able to keep up with posting a little bit more, even if it's just pictures of the stuff we've been super busy with (like... hot air ballooning in Napa, for instance).  We will see.

Romans 5:3-5 - "More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us."

the trees are blossoming

I LOVE blossoming trees.  Especially the pink ones. :)  I am grateful to live in the City of Trees so I can see them all. :)

Well February came and went so fast, and I never even posted once!  The first half of February was pretty fun, I had a birthday and we celebrated Valentines.  I made it easy for Mr. Man this year... I looked him straight in the eye and said, "Here's what I want for my birthday.  I want a betta fishy.  I want to go to Michaels and pick out a pretty vase and pretty rocks, then go to Petsmart and pick out my fishy.  And I want to get him a plant and he will be my fishy and I will name him whatever I want."  He was pretty happy to get out of the pressure of gift shopping. :)
So now I have a beautiful betta fish named Giacomo: King of Fishy and Fishy of Kings.

Unfortunately, my fishy is giving me vibes like he hates me.  He doesn't seem to be very content with the food and home I have provided for him.  I feel like I'm keeping my fishy hostage.

Valentines was pretty easy too, we bought each other Little Big Planet 2 (only the coolest video game I've ever played).  I wish I could explain it for those of you who don't know what it is... but maybe this will be better:


We also went for the first time to Tex Wasabi's, one of our new favorite places to eat on the planet.  Tex Wasabi's is officially classified as Sushi BBQ.  They have a full menu of authentic sushi, a full menu of authentic Southern BBQ and THEN they have this section of the menu called "Gringo Sushi" that is TO DIE FOR.  We tried three different ones:

1. "Kemosabe Roll" - "Tapioca rice paper roll with sushi rice, BBQ beef brisket, french fries, crispy onions and a garlic chili mayo sauce" 
2. "Jackass Roll"  -  "Tapioca rice paper roll with sushi rice, avocado, BBQ pork, french fries and a garlic chili mayo sauce" 
3. "Hidden Chicken Roll"  -  "Grilled marinated teriyaki chicken, wrapped with avocado, mandarin oranges, crushed wontons and lettuce in tapioca paper. Served with a teriyaki dipping sauce."

It was seriously the best thing ever.  And Corey hates real sushi.
This is how I felt about this place:

We also went to a Valentine's Dinner at our church, and played the Newlywed Game... and won.  Whaaaat?!
This is us with Pastor Kyle after winning:

...and this is us in the "photo booth"... we decided not to tell each other what we had written on our little chalkboards, and man, did we LAUGH when we saw this picture.  I thought for sure he would write something funny!

The rest of February was pretty uneventful.  I got a cold that knocked me out for 5 days, we worked our butts off, and we battled Corey's homework.

The day-to-day is still pretty difficult, Mr. Man and I don't get a lot of time together, which is fairly normal for a married couple as I understand, but no fun.  And I really really really really miss my galfriends.  Turns out my life is surrounded by boys, and however cool they are, I miss being around women.

A couple cool things, though... we started attending a Life Group on Thursday nights that we LOVE.  The fellowship of like-minded believers is so beautiful.  Also, (I don't remember if I've mentioned this) I now have 5 (FIVE!) voice students.  It's a lot to handle on top of working 40 hours a week at a crazy job, but I LOVE it.  Music and teaching are still my true first loves, and now two nights a week my soul is revitalized.  Overall, we are just SO blessed, and Jesus is taking good care of us. :)

...and I am reminded of that every time I see a blossoming tree. :)

Warning: Sappy Alert

Well I meant to write this post almost a month ago around our anniversary on the 9th.  I never got a chance, but I figger that Valentines Day is right around the corner anyhow. :)

Corey and I have been married for one year.  What a glorious thing.  We recently had some friends ask us, "So tell us what it's like being married for a year!" and we looked at each other pretty puzzled.  One year?! We have been on such a journey in the past year, and if you have been following my blog you've been through it with us, but around our anniversary I decided I wanted to explore that question, "What's it like being married for a year?"

Marriage is "AWESOME!!!" said with a goofy face and a giggle... and maybe my tongue sticking out.  And that's exactly what it is, in every sense of the word "awesome."  Awesome, like the coolest most epic thing ever, and awesome like it makes my jaw drop.  "Like a hundred billion hot dogs, sir."  (If any one gets that reference I'll ask my husband to make you a cookie.)  The way the Lord provides such fulfillment and happiness in a marriage that is based on love and trust and Jesus is awe-some. 

One of the best parts of being married to Corey is that he is my home.  He is my safe place.  He is where all the chaos of my life falls back into place like Mary Poppins cleaning a bedroom.  All I need to do is feel his touch.  And lucky for me, we work at the same place, so when he gets to work late afternoon, after I've already been there all day, I just reach out and with one finger, touch his arm (as more than that constitutes too much PDA at work), and all the tension in my muscles releases. 

Corey keeps me laughing.  Life is hard, and I get dragged down very easily, but my silly husband knows how to make me laugh.  And how to make me silly.  Silly is excellent for your health, you should try it.

There is something to be said for communication (as much as one year of marriage can be witness).  In all the years that Corey and I have been together, we have made it a point to always tell each other how we are feeling.  And there has only been one time in almost 4 years that I would actually call a fight between us.  If one of us is a little unhappy with something, we normally can't keep it in for very long, we end up fixing it within an hour or shorter.  And normally it's stupid stuff about the trash or the dishes.  And normally it's just me being a pouty woman.  (My man is also very patient).

I could just go on and on!  I guess I set myself up by asking a very open ended question of myself with something so deep... but in a nutshell, Corey and I are never as happy, at home, restful, peaceful, mature, or silly as we are when we're together.  We truly complete each other.  I heard that the first year of marriage is supposed to be the hardest?  Um, I can't imagine anything better than this.  And the exciting thing is, I know it WILL get better.  Jesus is good.  I love my husband.

Burgers, Coffee, and Whatever Chef is Making

I am not a dreamer.  I have probably mentioned this before... but I have become too much of a pessimistic realist to do much dreaming.  But today, I had a conversation that sparked a very interesting journey in my brain, and I think it has had a lasting effect on me.  I think that aside from being so pessimistic, I have always felt that I wasn't allowed to dream.  This is the life that Jesus gave me, He knows the future, it's His plan and my dreams or aspirations will get in the way.  I think I have been wrong.  There is nothing wrong with a dream as long as there is the full realization that Jesus decides if it comes true or not, rather than me.  And if I pursue Jesus before my own dreams.

So, I've been dreaming all day! I dreamed up a list of things I would absolutely love to do before I die.  I dreamed up things I would like to see in place in my life in the future.  I dreamed up things as frivolous as the design of a perfect guest room in a future house.  I dreamed about the orphans and needy children I would help if I had the money.  Part of me wants to share some of my list with you because I am so excited about it, but I think I will have to keep it to myself.  Dreams are pretty vulnerable things, you know.  And it might show you how much of a nerd I am.

But it was so liberating!  And the reminder that came along with it was also impressive:  Corey and I have our WHOLE lives ahead of us!  We are not going to be doing the exact same job, living in the exact same apartment, making the exact same money forever.  We could end up doing something we never dreamed (ha) we would like!  How thrilling!  How adventurous!  (If you haven't noticed, this kind of thing is really out of the box for me... adventure? What's that?)

The conversation that sparked my life dreaming was a discussion about career choices.  I am not necessarily searching for a career right now, as I would say I am plenty invested where I am.  But, really though, Corey and I could chose to do anything we want!  I love that idea!  I also love that my Jesus is a loving God who will support the desires of our hearts if they are in line with His plan!

So stay tuned to the adventures of the C. Hunts!  Who knows, maybe 15 years from now we will own a snazzy restaurant called, "Burgers, Coffee, and Whatever Chef is Making."  Or maybe not.

2010 in review

What a year 2010 has been!  I love New Year's because it is a great time to look at the big picture, and remember all the things that have happened!  We are so grateful to Jesus for His infinite love and grace and provision!

• First and biggest, we got MURRIED!! That was obviously my favorite part of the year and the happiest day of my life.  (It will be our anniversary in 7 days... whaaaat?!)
• I got to be a bridesmaid in a bestie's wedding one week before mine. :)
• Corey lost his job and was unemployed for the first 6 months of our marriage.  Yeah, that sucked really badly, but it was a learning experience! 
• Corey started culinary school.
• We got to move out of the terrible living conditions of our Penn Valley garage and into a wonderful apartment in Sac with a door on the bathroom.
• We found an awesome church with great teaching and great people.
• Corey got a job at Chipotle and ate lots and lots of burritos.
• I switched jobs to my ever morphing position for Eve Justice and her businesses, currently the "administrative manager" for Black Bear Diner in Sac.
• Corey switched jobs to work as a line cook at the same Black Bear Diner, and has kicked butt in the last 3 months.
• We got a mini vacation to Yosemite where favorites Jared and Jenny got engaged!
• We worked, worked, and worked some more.
• We went to LA 3 times in the last two months, once to throw Jenny a bridal shower, next for the wedding of favorites Josh and Naomi, and lastly for New Year's Eve wedding of Jared and Jenny!  And Jenny being one of the most special people to me in the whole world... indescribable joy at her happy marriage :)
• We have been able to spend significant time with our families, especially at holidays, and my 2 year old nephew calls me Auntie Coco.  We also found out we have another nephew or niece on the way!
• The roof of our apartment leaked on us right before Christmas, forcing us to sleep in the living room.  We made a Christmas fort out of our whole living room.
• I got to teach one voice student all year and see him progress very far.
• Our cars have done well, which is a praise indeed!
• And now looking back at a year of marriage, we realize we are as giddy and happy as we were before, and infinitely more in love with each other.

Here are some favorite pictures of 2010:

Beautiful January wedding:

So many fun friends:

 honeymoon in Tahoe:

Quick trip to Santa Cruz for a wedding... the hairy days:   

New apartment, bigger sink :)

Adorable nephew:

Yosemite:

 Labor Day:

The Diner opening:

Thanksgiving:

Josh and Naomi

Ma Cherie:

My love and the end of 2010: